Why I Am The Way I Am (Maybe)
“I think giving more than I think getting. I think others more than I think self. I forgive anyone any offence as long as I live. I do more than I’m paid to do always. I put money in its place, I rule over it.” For about 8 years of my life, I said these phrases and about 60 more like these every day from memory.
Programming. That’s what my father called this. In addition to reciting these phrases at least once every day, my brothers and I were supposed to read a chapter of the book of Proverbs every day, memorize one verse and write ‘I am organized. I believe in myself. No excuse’ repeatedly at least 21 times in a notebook. At the end of the day, we were supposed to tell my dad how we were intentionally organized during that day. After saying ‘I fix my bed when I woke up’ too many times, my dad let me know that I’m required to fix my bed every day so I needed to find something else to say.
Another thing we did daily was drawing a circle or a box, put our names in the middle, and then surround our names with things we’d like to see in our lives over the next few years.
We also had a ‘Never Again’ list we read every day, till we could recite them without looking at our papers. ‘Never again will I say I can’t for I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me’ and, because I was laden with guilt for most of my childhood, my personal best was, ‘Never again will I confess condemnation for there is therefore now no condemnation for them who are in Christ. I am in Christ therefore I am free from condemnation.’ We would also write a list of things we planned to do at the start of the day, and tick them during the course of the day. I started doing these things when I was less than 10 years old. We called it our WIDIWI list ‘What I do Is What I Am’
As time went on, my father asked us to always have a book we were reading at every point in time. To enforce this, he made us write down a quote from our respective books and share it with each other every evening. Other practices we did included writing things we liked about each other and secretly leaving the note for the person without a name (we all knew each other’s handwriting so this was never a secret). We also recited the Les Brown’s, ‘If you want a thing bad enough to go out and fight for it, work day and night for it, give up your time and your sleep for it…’ quote every day. Sometimes, my dad would give us a book of quotes and have us memorize these quotes. For every quote you successfully memorize, he’d give you 50 Naira. I remember my elder brother memorizing all the tough ones first and even making songs from them while my younger brother and I always started with the easy ones like ‘It’s better to be single and happy than to be unhappily married,’ before begging our brother to teach us his songs so we could get more money.
There was a time that my dad only let us watch TV for two hours a day because when we woke, the first thing we’d do was run to turn on the TV. We did this for a few weeks and eventually lost any interest in turning on the TV at all.
I really want to say that because of these practices, I’m the most organized person ever. It’s not true. I also don’t automatically think that nothing is impossible because I am in Christ. I still don’t watch TV much but I binge-watch shows once in a while. I also do not have a book I’m reading even currently but I try to read at least one self-improvement article one day. Growing up, I really hated doing these things. I felt punished. Doing all of these took at least two hours from my day not counting the additional hour and a half we’d spend with my dad reciting these things together. As I got older, I started to see the benefits of some of these things. For example, it’s very easy for me to memorize and remember things. I’m also not a person that gives excuses. If I’m wrong, I apologize and I take responsibility. I also effortlessly know what I’m supposed to do every day and ensure that they get done whether I write them down or not (but I still write them down). I know a lot of bible scriptures too especially scriptures from the book of Proverbs and they always come in handy. I also find it relatively easy to adapt to new situations by doing a series of self-talks. I ‘program’ myself out of certain situations too.
Of the three of us, I was the least gingered to do these things and it shows. My elder brother still does his programming. If not every day, at least three times a week. He remembers the entire never again list and all the other things we memorized as children (he’s really smart so I think this is why) and my younger brother let me know recently that he still reads Proverbs every day and writes down a verse.
Now, we all still live at home and my father pretty much leaves us to do whatever. He doesn’t police us, ask us if we’ve read our bibles, make us sit together for devotion, or do anything at all. As far as he’s concerned, he’s done the important bit. ‘Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old, he will not depart from it.’ When my younger brother was an atheist for two years, I know he knew but he remained unfazed. He didn’t talk about it, we didn’t hold a meeting. My mother even blamed him and said it’s because of ‘all the books he reads’ and that my brother is reading too much too. My father didn’t speak about it.
Did I enjoy doing these things as a child and young adult? Definitely not. I wouldn’t even do them now but I know that they in more ways than one have shaped me into who I am today and sometimes, I’m grateful for them.
