Is This Really The End? Turns Out I’ll Never Know When It Is
Just like I’d expect everyone else has, I’ve had a handful of moments I thought were my last mostly because of how difficult they were to navigate. Seems very dramatic now that I somewhat feel better but in those moments, very little would have convinced me that I’d eventually be okay.
The most recent time was this past week. Everything seemed unnecessarily blown out of proportion. I had to drag myself out of bed every morning and looked forward to when I’d get to sleep again later that night. Work was a different kind of crazy. Tasks just felt incredibly hard and I was so sure that I wouldn’t make it. I thought for sure I’d have to resign because I wouldn’t be able to continue living like that. It was either my sanity or work. I could barely concentrate but I had deadlines. I was taking 45 minutes to do stuff I would ordinarily have completed without batting an eyelid.
The funny thing though is that this isn’t the worse I’ve experienced at work. It wouldn’t even come up as one of the top ten difficult times if I decided to count but somehow I didn’t think I could pull through.
It’s 4:30 AM on Saturday and even though I didn’t finish all I was required to, I did survive. I realize now that my mental and emotional state made what I experienced to feel like it was something I definitely couldn’t get through. My hormones probably contributed 70% to all the crazy I was feeling. Being a woman does suck. I probably get just seven days of normal. I’m not even sure I know what normal is anymore but this is a conversation for another day.
Anyway, while thinking about this I couldn’t help but remember some of the times I had thought my life was definitely going to end but I ended up being very much okay.
I was probably seven years old when one girl in my school said she’d tell everyone I stole from her. I didn’t actually steal anything from her but every time I saw her, she’d threaten me and ask me to give her my things. I was so scared by this and I had no idea how to get out of the situation. When my mother told me I’d be changing schools, I was so devastated because I loved my current school at the time. But, I remembered my blackmailing schoolmate and immediately found a silver lining. On my last day in school, I saw the girl and she tried her little trick on me again. I told her in the most seven-year-old way possible to go f**k herself. While I was going through this, I thought my life would end but it didn’t.
Another time that comes to mind was when my older cousin locked me up in a dark room so I could see that there was no ghost in the house. I screamed my lungs out, thinking that those few minutes were definitely my last. It turned out that I couldn’t die there, maybe I might have lost my eardrums from how loud I was screaming but that’s the only damage that could have occurred from that experience.
Or was it when I was disqualified from becoming a prefect in secondary school because while people took food out of the dining hall, I joined them instead of stopping them. Actually, my crime was not trying to escape when the teachers came chasing. I let them catch me in that scandalous act. I was publicly disqualified from the race rendering all my campaign activities useless. I remember balling my eyes out and thinking that all my dreams had been crushed and I wouldn’t be able to live with the pain. Let’s just say I lived.
I once got into trouble in school because my teacher heard me say I’d take off my sport skirt in class. It was certainly a joke but she didn’t want to hear any of that. I faced the disciplinary committee and heard teachers call me an ‘Ashewo’ and promise me at least a few weeks' suspension. They said my name would be announced in the next PTA meeting. A devastating time for me I tell you. My mother came to school but missed the PTA meeting. She gave me my food, noticed I was barely eating then asked me what the problem was. I told her and she was furious. She went down to the principal’s office and promised to get me out of their school if they continued to threaten me, a child, with a suspension for saying that I would take off my skirt in class. She stressed that if anyone had actually seen me take off my skirt, it might lead to another conversation but me just saying I would wasn’t enough to put me through that emotional trauma. Those teachers eventually ended up apologizing to me.
In my last year in secondary school, a jealous male friend made up a rumor that he saw me having sex with my female best friend at the time in class. Then, I had no idea this was even possible. I didn’t even know it was something that could be done. He did this because he asked me to be his girlfriend and I said no so he made up a story to hurt me. I was obviously devastated when I heard mostly because that kind of rumor could get me expelled. I’d walk from my room to my classroom and think everyone was talking about me. I stopped eating and I was mostly always sad. I was paranoid, wondering when I’d be called by the principal and asked to get my lesbian ass out of the school. I eventually confided in one of my male friends who told me he hadn’t even heard the rumor and was sure so many people hadn’t. He eventually gave the rumor spreader a piece of his mind and life pretty much went back to normal. No lives were lost.
Should I even attempt to mention all the times I got heartbroken and thought my heart would stop pumping blood because it had been shattered into unrecognizable pieces? Or the times I thought I’d die of hunger because I had no money? Turns out the heart works just fine even after many heartbreaks and no one actually dies from eating only once a day for a few days.
I guess one thing I have learned from these experiences is that if it feels like my life is about to end, it’s a huge sign that it’s definitely not going to happen.
When my life would eventually end, I’ll have no idea. I might be having the best week, eating a favorite meal, having the best dream, playing with a grandchild (my heart goes out to that little one that might watch someone die), but you get my point. There mightn’t be any warning.
The next time I feel like I definitely wouldn’t pull through, I’d remember this and know that I probably eventually would.
